My room smells like vodka and shame
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
