i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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