Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
