Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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