do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
