if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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