just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
