I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
