I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
