I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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