The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
