So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
we're chasing vodka with high fives
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
