Just fell off a train. Bad.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
