she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Do you remember whose house we're in?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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