and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
