I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
