just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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