I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
