Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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