life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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