I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
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GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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