So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
