Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
