mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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