sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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