I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.