I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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