on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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