I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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