I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
