Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
