I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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