Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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