They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
