I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
