I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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