i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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