Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
