I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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