Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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