Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
