you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
