You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
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Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize