so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
