Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
