Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
