I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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