I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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