Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
