I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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