I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just invented taco cereal.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
