i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
