I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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